Woman is excited about marrying her fiancee until she reads mean messages he sent to his friend about her, wants to call off engagement: 'I can’t shake the idea that he settled for me out of convenience.'

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Feb 21, 2025 9:00 PM EST

Everyone has a past. When we meet someone new, we trust that if they are honest, they will bring their full self to the occasion. We trust that the skeletons in their closet, if any, are theirs to own. Meeting someone in adulthood means meeting them with many years and maybe lifetimes behind them. They have lived many experiences that have helped them become the person they're introducing themselves as to us, many of which we may never learn about. We have a social pact to meet people where they are, and in return, we hope they will meet us in the same way.

When something from someone's past bubbles up, it can be a challenge to overcome. If they don't address it, or if it reveals itself to you in a way that feels dishonest, the person we thought we knew can become a stranger. There's a chance that the person who made these past mistakes has grown and changed since then, but sometimes the deceit is too much to bear. One woman dealt with that when some things her fiancee said about her in the early stages of their dating came to light. Read on to decide if what he said was a relationship-ended offense.

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    Cheezburger Image 10465021696
    via Jae Park
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    "AITAH for reconsidering getting engaged after discovering how my boyfriend talked to his friends about me?"

    I (36F) have been with him (29M) for 3 years (known him for 7), and I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous partner who's no longer in the picture. My fiancé has been dealing with some health issues this year—most likely not life- threatening, but it's taken a toll on his energy, mood, and intimate time. I've been trying my best to support him through it while keeping things steady at home.
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    We've talked about getting engaged and I know he's looked into rings and is planning to propose soon. We've also discussed having a child of our own soon before he gets a vasectomy. I thought we had a solid relationship - he often tells me how much he appreciates me, calls me a great mom, and says he couldn't imagine anyone else by his side. I feel the same about him as he's been a great father.
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    His 30th birthday is next month, so I wanted to make him a gift with photos from his 20s. I decided to check his old phone for pictures of him from before we were together. I asked him, and he handed it over without hesitation, even unlocking it for me. While scrolling through his messages, I stumbled across a conversation with his best friend from when we first started dating.
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    The messages broke my heart. He had just come out of a messy relationship and was venting to his friend. He called me a "nice distraction" and said he was going on "boring dates" to take his mind off his ex, one of the woman being myself. When his friend asked what I was like, my fiancé replied,
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    "She's nice, but she's not really my type." His friend pressed for more details, and my fiancé said, "She's warm and sweet, but she's plain like she barely wears makeup, and her figure is a little heavyset and round, ya know? She's not bad- looking, but she's not someone who'd turn heads and she's old in her 30s."
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    His friend laughed and told him, "Mate, give her a chance. So she's a bit fat and doesn't glam up - not every woman has to look like a model. At least she seems normal, unlike manipulative b*tches like (his ex's name). Ya know smoke- show's like her always tend to lean psycho anyway" My fiancé replied, "Yeah, I guess. A second date won't kill me. She is great at
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    won't kill me. She is great at cooking, has a good career, and she'd be a great mother if things work out long-term and we have a child of our own. Worst-case scenario, I ghost her if I'm not feeling it."
    via Serious_Physics1023
  • 09
    I couldn't read anymore. I confronted him right then and there, holding up the phone and asking, "What the h I is this?" His face went pale as he realized what I was reading. He stammered, trying to explain, but I just laughed bitterly and walked out to clear my head. He sent me a string of apologetic texts while I ignored him. When I got back home, I went
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    him. When I got back home, I went straight to bed without speaking to him. Later, he tried to cuddle and initiate intimacy as a way to "make it up to me," but I pushed him away, saying I wasn't in the mood. That made him break down, and I ended up leaving the room to sleep in our daughter's room.
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    The next morning, he kept asking where we stood. I told him not to propose anymore-I didn't want to stand in the way of him finding some stunning, glamorous woman he clearly felt was more his type. I even mentioned that I might take our daughter and stay elsewhere for a while. He got incredibly
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    for a while. He got incredibly emotional after, saying that he loves me, and the messages don't reflect how he feels about me now. I feel humiliated and heartbroken. I've struggled with self-esteem and had a weight loss journey, but since having our daughter I've felt like my body isn't what it used to be. I can't shake the idea that he settled for me out of convenience.
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    I feel like he only ever liked me for what I could provide him. AITAH for reconsidering getting engaged?
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    People had mixed reactions to this woman's story.

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    via Domingo Alvarez E
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    Some said that she should leave this guy in the dust.

    Don't waste your time that kind of man. Don't wait for a time when you become a single parent, a mother of two.
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    Others said she shouldn't get mad at a silly comment her fiancee said years ago.

    YTAH. You've been together for 3 years and are planning on getting married, but you're willing to throw away the relationship over an off handed text he made before you guys even started dating? Clearly he was wrong, his buddy was right, and you maybe need to think about your priorities.
    via Serious_Physics1023
  • 17

    And some said both of those things.

    So this is when he first started dating you, and you'd only been on one date. He barely even knew you when saying that. If he didn't ghost you, he got interested in you.
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    Not every relationship starts with love at first sight. NAH, because your insecurities are your own and if knowing he once wasn't as into you as you were to him at first is something you can't get past, that's your right. However,
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    that's your right. However, he's not the villain for not immediately being enraptured by you. He had the normal feelings of 'I had an okay first date, nice person, different from what I usually go for, I'm open to a second date!
    via Serious_Physics1023
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    Except, he told his friend (not you) how you were different from his type. You're valid for still being hurt by it though, your love story wasn't what you thought it was.
    via Serious_Physics1023

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aita text message reddit story mean relationships texting reddit thread Reddit fiancee relationship drama
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